I know I have been MIA lately - and to be honest I am struggling with whether or not to keep this space. And...if I am being completely honest, I have been struggling in general. I notice it has been two months since my last post. Shortly after that post I finally saw my dr and was officially diagnosed with PP.D, though I had suspected it for some time. Hitting bottom for me was the moment when suicide seemed like a viable option. Life was "too much" - work was "too much" - and well, everything was too much. I couldn't handle anything, at least I felt like I couldn't.
Being on antidep.ressants has helped enormously - I have finally been on them long enough to notice a difference. I haven't seen a counselor...yet, but it isn't off the table. Part of the reason is I just don't feel like I have the time and adding something to my plate that I "have" to do just feels overwhelming and I start feeling stressed and then the feeling of being unable to handle life starts to seep back in. So, while I know it would help, I haven't done that yet just in an effort to keep those feelings at bay.
I turned in my resignation at work because I was just not able to get the job done. There were days where making it through the day was an accomplishment and work just wasn't happening - I was doing the bare minimum and the pile of things I was putting off was growing and it was adding to the stress. My boss convinced me to take FM.LA leave instead, so that is what I have done. We will see. I am not sure if I will go back or not.
The girls are both great (though we had a bout of stomach flu in December right before Christmas and now we are all fighting influenza again...even though Lexi, R and I all got the flu shot - Calli is too young). Lexi will be two in just over a week and Calli will be 6 months in just days. I hate that the last few months have been marred by PPD. I hope that I can be a better mom to both of them now that I am starting to feel a little more "normal" (even if I do have a ways to go).
Being on antidep.ressants has helped enormously - I have finally been on them long enough to notice a difference. I haven't seen a counselor...yet, but it isn't off the table. Part of the reason is I just don't feel like I have the time and adding something to my plate that I "have" to do just feels overwhelming and I start feeling stressed and then the feeling of being unable to handle life starts to seep back in. So, while I know it would help, I haven't done that yet just in an effort to keep those feelings at bay.
I turned in my resignation at work because I was just not able to get the job done. There were days where making it through the day was an accomplishment and work just wasn't happening - I was doing the bare minimum and the pile of things I was putting off was growing and it was adding to the stress. My boss convinced me to take FM.LA leave instead, so that is what I have done. We will see. I am not sure if I will go back or not.
The girls are both great (though we had a bout of stomach flu in December right before Christmas and now we are all fighting influenza again...even though Lexi, R and I all got the flu shot - Calli is too young). Lexi will be two in just over a week and Calli will be 6 months in just days. I hate that the last few months have been marred by PPD. I hope that I can be a better mom to both of them now that I am starting to feel a little more "normal" (even if I do have a ways to go).
Praying for you girl!!! PPD is no joke (I have no expereince but have been screened heavily with my history and know its a serious thing). Praying that the meds continue to help!
ReplyDeleteIm glad you are starting to feel more like yourself. Im sorry to hear that youve had some dark days. Have fun with lexis birthday...two already?!
ReplyDeleteI'm really sorry to read that you have been experiencing such awful feelings and thoughts through PPD. I'm really, really glad to read that you talked about it with your doctor and that you started meds. And of course, being who I am, I have to encourage you to find a good therapist. But I get how hard that is, and how much support you need to be able to take care of yourself. The thing is, though, you deserve it and your girls deserve to have a healthy mom.
ReplyDeleteSo, good for you for being honest about how you are feeling and getting help. And good for you for taking a break from work. Sounds like that might have been the straw that broke the camel's back.
Keeping you in my thoughts, dear woman, and hoping for much brighter days for you.
I am so sorry to hear that you have been struggling for a while now. I am really glad to hear that you spoke with your doc and got on anti-depressants and are slowly feeling okay little by little. I will be thinking of you and hope it continues to get better from here. I hope stepping away from work helps too. You are a wonderful mama and those two girlies are so lucky to have you. Brighter days lay ahead.
ReplyDeleteCan you believe our girls are/will be two?!? Lids turned two on Wednesday and I am still in slight denial ;) So grown up.
Big hugs your way and I'll be thinking of you.
Sending you a hug lady!!! Your girls are just precious. Glad you are taking care of yourself. oxo
ReplyDeletehey there! thank you for your sweet words!!
ReplyDeletei hope you're doing well and enjoying the summer! sending love and hoping all is going great! i bet your babes are adorable together! xoxox
I am so sorry you went through this and you are not alone!! I hope you'll start blogging again- especially since I have you on my new blog reader! Hugs!
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