Laying it out there...

I have so many conflicting emotions lately - thank you pregnancy hormones! I've been debating laying it all out there vs spreading this post out over several....time won and it will have to be all or nothing I think. I just don't have the time to blog as much as I would like to anymore and I am sure once baby girl gets here, it will just be worse.  Here is an abbreviated version of the emotions that are going on...

Guilt: This has been a struggle since we got pregnant. Don't get me wrong - we are extremely excited to have been surprised with this pregnancy and can't wait to meet our little girl. However, I can't help but feel guilty. How is Lexi going to take this new addition? I don't want her to feel left out or replaced or anything of the like. I want her to know that no matter what, we love her more than life itself. Then there's the 'how am I going to do this?' with two under two - and at different stages developmentally? yikes. Can I devote the time and attention they will both need - without one feeling like they are getting the short end of the stick? Have I had enough time with just Lexi? I can't imagine loving another person as much as I love Lexi - I love her so much it hurts sometimes. Can I love this other baby enough? I hate feeling like this. I know that having a sibling will be one of the greatest gifts we can give our children. My hope is that they will be the best of friends throughout their lives - I know there will be times that are tough, but I hope that in the end they are more than just sisters.

Despair - I am crushed by the news that I will be having a hysterectomy at the time of baby girls birth. We did get a second opinion - and well, they have the same opinion; he would be "very worried" about this accreta as it looks "bad" - his treatment plan would be no different as it would likely be the only way to save my life. Obviously, I don't want to die, so I am coming to terms with this and am near acceptance - maybe already there as it no longer has me a big sobbing mess to talk about it. BUT - here is the thing: I am so, so worried that I will always be at least a little bit sad about this. I really wanted to have one more baby after this - or at least have the option to TRY to have one more. Am I going to always be sad on her birthday? viewing it as the day that one dream came true but another was destroyed? I don't want that, and I will be doing everything I can to avoid that. But, I can't help the way I feel - I still get sad around the due date of the baby we miscarried - yes, that pain has faded, but it is still there. I worry that I will always feel that longing to have another baby and knowing that it will never happen (unless we miraculously find the money for a surrogate - - haha - - unlikely!) makes me sad.

Fear - even with this treatment plan in place and all of the medical professionals that will be involved, there are no guarantees that I will make it out of this. Yes, the odds are drastically in my favor. But - there is still that 10-12% chance that I won't make it. The bleeding will be extensive - there will be several units of blood in the OR and the blood bank will be on notice that they may need more. But I am scared. I want to be there for my girls as they grow up. I want them to have their mommy - they need their mommy to be here. I know I just have to trust that the doctors and surgeons will obviously be doing everything they can to make sure that happens. But, I am scared. Really scared. I have started letters to the girls - things I would want to be there to teach them as they grow up - but OH MY GOD are they hard to write. No one wants to have to write a letter like this, trust me, it is horrible and it is taking me awhile because I just can't get it all out in one sitting.

And now all the emotions are getting to be a bit much and I have to close this out before I become a blubbering mess at 6am on a Sunday!