I have been having REALLY morbid thoughts lately and it has me completely freaked out. It always happens at night, right around the time Lexi drifts off to sleep and I am usually not far behind these days. I am hoping, by writing it all out, that this fear will dissipate.
So here it is......
I am TERRIFIED that I am going to die during childbirth with this baby. I know, it is a horrible thought, but I can't stop this thought from invading my mind.
It has been determined that I will almost certainly have to have a C-section again. For a few reasons:
1. I never dilated past 1cm with Lexi - despite being induced
2. My placenta had begun to grow into my uterus which caused excessive bleeding. Since this happened, it is more likely to happen again, and they will be keeping on eye on everything. It has already been mentioned that there is a chance I will have to have an emergency hysterectomy if this happens again.
3. I have made peace with this and have accepted this - I was told all of this right after having Lexi so it is not new news for me. My top priority/desire is getting baby here safely and healthy. Whatever that takes.
So...my fear is that, not only will there be severe bleeding - they won't be able to stop it. These thoughts are very detailed - almost like a nightmare, but I am awake. I can see the whole scene - I can hear the dr and nurses telling R that he has to leave the room and them escorting him out when he won't go. Then they struggle to get the bleeding under control until everything goes dark.
I never get to meet baby girl, and I never get to see Lexi again - and both of them have to grow up without their mommy.
Seriously, just typing that out has me in tears. I don't know how to get these thoughts to stop and it is making me crazy. I want to talk to the dr about it - but not with R there because I don't want to upset him. Which is hard because he comes to all of my appointments with me. As things progress, there may be a time when he can't make it and I will talk to her then....but I would rather talk to her sooner rather than later...
So there we have it for this snowy Saturday morning. . . my disturbing, morbid thoughts. . .
Yo had those thoughts too. I think you are doing the most helpful thing for yourself by writing about it, by putting words to your fears. I think if you are scared of what the placenta acreta might mean for delivery you should find a way to talk about it with your OB. I know that they can see on an u/s how much the placenta is embedded ahead of delivery. This way, discussions about what could happen at delivery can be had ahead of time.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are having these thoughts. Sometimes I wish we were more ignorant about birth related problems, pregnancy problems etc. The less we know, the less we would worry. But worrying is a part of life. I hope talking about it helps. I remember waking up heart thumping away because I had some crazy dream while I was pregnant. Its hard :(My suggestion - watch the "sunscreen song" on youtube. I love the words "Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. " Big hug.
ReplyDeleteI am SO sorry that these thoughts have infiltrated your mind. It's so tough. I wrote a blog post about my anxiety and irrational fears a while ago. I'll include the link at the bottom of this comment. I didn't go very far into my irrational thoughts in the post, but I will now because it might be helpful to you. After Harriet was born, I had these awful, super detailed and vivid storylines running through my head about something awful happening to her. The weirdest part is that I had this deep seated belief that I needed to let the images play through to the end of the story in order to make it go away, which was obviously awful. It kept me up at night and made me miserable. There was no reason for these thoughts so I just labeled as a form of postpartum. The thoughts still creep in every once in a while though. As I'm writing this, I'm having an internal battle, trying to keep them out. It's straight up anxiety, playing out in this waking nightmare (like you described yours). It helps me to remind myself that it's "just" anxiety and the anxiety could have chosen anything to use against me. It just happened to choose this crazy, violent story. It sounds like your anxiety has chosen the fear of dying in child birth. I know you don't want to tell your husband about it, and I don't know the dynamics of your relationship, so maybe this is bad advice, but I think it might be a good idea to tell him. I cried when I told my husband about my bad thoughts because I was embarrassed at how crazy I looked. But saying it out loud and sharing it with him helped SO much. That's just me, so maybe the same wouldn't be true for you, but for me, the thoughts were bad enough. I couldn't imagine doing it alone.
ReplyDeletehttp://teachmetobraid.blogspot.com/2012/11/an-unwelcome-guest.html