Envy...

I am not sure I like the way I have been feeling. It seems like when you REALLY want something, you notice everyone who has what you want. I can not go to the store or the mall or wherever without seeing a pregnant woman or someone with a baby. I can barely stand to see it - it causes this aching pain deep in my chest and usually brings tears to my eyes. Especially if I see someone with a baby about the age ours would have been had I not had a miscarriage - that is the worst. I keep thinking it will get better or easier or something, but it doesn't. It seems like the longer it goes without getting pregnant the harder it gets.
I try to be happy for my friends and family who have no trouble getting pregnant - but it is hard to be happy for them when I am so sad for us. Everyone says to 'relax' and it will happen - sure, for some people it may work that way, but the odds are stacked against us. Others offer the advice to "not think about it" - seriously??? Don't think about it? Right. That's going to happen. Especially when I am supposed to use OPK's to check for ovulation - OK, so here, pee on this stick everyday...but don't think about it. Whatever.
In fact, I got the results from my most recent FSH test - the results were really not good - it has almost doubled since the first test and is now 15.8. Of course the first thing I did was cry to R about it...he said he has already accepted the fact that the only chance we have is IVF - I guess I hadn't really accepted that and still had hope that we would get pregnant with just the Clomid. The next thing I did was call and cry to my mom, because after all mom's know just what to say...of course, there is not really anything that can be said which would make me feel better. Finally I started doing some more research on the internet - and found an article which was related to elevated FSH and fertility, the best (ie. worst) part of the article was the statement that "nearly every doctor can point to a "miracle" where someone with high FSH got pregnant" - wow, that made me feel good....like not at all.
I almost don't want to hear all the positive B.S. from people - there really isn't a silver lining to this situation - it sucks. That is all there is to it. I hate being sad.
Enough of this...

E