Still having a hard time with the prognosis the other day. I am guardedly hopeful that this next series of test will prove that we can use my eggs for IVF (the dr. said if this was the case we would have to proceed right away) - but I am afraid to get my hopes up too much, I have been disappointed too many times to do that.
We have spent quite a bit of time talking about what we will do if we can not use my eggs. Will we pursue a donor? Will we adopt? I just don't know. There are absolutely pros and cons to both. I am probably struggling a bit more than R is - he wants to do whatever is going to be the most comfortable for me - he doesn't want me to feel like the baby is "his" and not "mine." If the tables were turned he has said that he would not be comfortable using a sperm donor. I on the other hand, would be OK with that. Which makes me feel like if I would be OK with that then I should be OK with using an egg donor. Definitely puts it all in perspective. I am, at the moment, (and please keep in mind that this could and will probably change several times in the next few days!) right now leaning towards going ahead with finding an egg donor. We have also discussed going ahead and beginning looking into adoption - we know that it can be a long process and if we do decide on IVF with egg donor and it doesn't work, we would like to have the process started already.
All I have been able to think about these last few days is this situation - I have cried more than I would care to admit; any time I talk about this I start crying. Thank God for best friends - we cried together on the phone since I no longer live in the same state as she does (I can't wait to move back there in a few years!!!)
Thanks to all of you for the support - it helps to not feel so alone in this journey!
~E
HI E - Thanks for your comment on my blog!
ReplyDeleteWhat a journey this is, full of so much pain and grief and sorrow. You probably read on my blog that we are using donor sperm. It was probably the hardest decision we have ever had to make, and one that I swore wasn't an option when we first got our azoos diagnosis. I needed time to grieve the loss. I needed time to process what it meant and what it would mean over time. I needed time to talk it thru with a therapist and know that my DH had time to fully process and grieve as well. Sitting where we sit, I would give up my genetic link to our child in a heartbeat if it meant that I could have "his" child. It really is a significant loss to consider that you might need to use a donor. I am so sorry that you have to be in this boat. A good therapist has been a god send for me. I go every couple weeks and DH comes with me every couple of sessions. It has really helped me work thru a lot of the fears that I had before we made the choice to proceed with a donor.
Wishing you a miracle bebe - and in the meantime, lots of peace and comfort as you grieve this news.
xoxo - Foxy
PS - I love Keiko's video. I also have it posted on my blog because it is SO freakin awesome! I wanted to make sure you knew that on my browser (Safari) the picture of the video blocks some of the text on your blog and makes it hard to comment. You might want to try to fix that.