Procrastinating

That is what I am doing by writing this post. I really don't have much to say, I just really do not want to have to write this research paper that is due soon..well, tomorrow to be exact. I still have a headache, but it is tolerable. Went to the RE's office yesterday to pay the remainder of our balance for IVF this month. That hurt. Just writing the check and knowing that despite spending all of that money, at the end of all this there may be nothing to show for it. *OUCH* Then came all the consent paperwork to read over. My favorite line from it goes something like this: "You understand that you have not been successful in achieving a pregnancy due to one or more factors including the fact that your wife has no eggs." Nice. While true, it still stung a little to see it put so bluntly.
I have a confession. The closer we get to IVF, the more nervous I get. I have begun wondering if maybe we should just be childless. I KNOW that I REALLY want to be a mom and have kids, but part of me will miss our life as it is now (well, not the constant disappointment and jabbing myself with needles, but the "real" life). I am sure that is normal, but I feel guilty for worrying about missing how "easy" we have it. Financially, despite the tons of money we have put into infertility, we are OK. We can do the things we want and get the things we need/want without really having to hesitate over what it costs. Once we have kids, a lot of that will change as our priorities will change. I know that and I am OK with that - but I will miss the freedom. Maybe it is just cold feet and worrying about what if this doesn't work. I tend to try and convince myself that I don't want something, when I really do, in order to try and protect myself - I guess I figure if I don't want it and it doesn't happen, then I won't be disappointed if I don't get it, because afterall, I didn't want it in the first place. Does that make sense? Maybe. I don't know. I guess it comes down to this: I am scared. What if it doesn't work? This is the only chance we have to do this (at least until R is out of school - at which point I will be VERY close to 40 and I hesitate to say that I will want to go through all of this at 40). Adoption is an option - but a pricey one, and it too would have to wait until R is out of school. After this treatment, all of the "extra" money we have HAS to go towards paying off the cars and credit card. This is not an option, when R starts school we need to be debt free since he won't be working for 3 years.
I feel like a horrible person for saying I am having doubts - and that I am scared about all of this. Especially when, in reality, the thought of not having kids scares me so much more than the thought of having them. I guess that is my answer.
Well, for not having much to say I sure did write a bit. I really should stop procrastinating and get to evaluating the guerrilla tactics of the Confederate Army during the Civil War. Sounds exciting, doesn't it?
Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!